At least somebody was in the mood for love (in the form of a greasy grope from an obese producer who promises to get you a part in the next Bradley Cooper movie) at last night's Valentine's Day premiere in Hollywood. I really have no idea who this Anna Kulinova swan is, but it doesn't really matter. Googling her name is not going to make me relive all the emotions I felt when I first laid eyes upon her in this stunning frock. This is the true meaning of VD (Valentine's Day)!

I doubt Jennifer Garner, Jessica Beeeeehl or any of the other boring Js at this movie premiere spent their entire night making a figure skating costume out of old taffeta found in the trash can outside of Bobby Trendy's condo and a Fredrick's teddy. Barney's does not carry a dress that makes your nipples look like they are bleeding lace. This is a one-of-a-kind creation!

And you know what makes Anna even more special? The fact that she's smiling like she has no idea her shoes don't match at all! The cab driver must have been one inpatient motherfucker, because he forced Anna to grab a random pair of shoes from her stripper roommate's closet. She wears them beautifully.

Here's more of Anna and the people who only showed up to bask in the glory of her beauty. They are: MiserAlba, Garcelle Beauvais, an overdressed Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Barbara Eden, Jennifer Garner, McSteamy and Noxzema Girl, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutchie with Demi Moore, Shirley Maclaine, Julia Roberts, Emma Roberts and a bronzer-faced B.Coop.

The stunning star, who tied the knot in 2008, has branded the institution of marriage "warped" and "a load of crap". "I had a hard time agreeing with marriage at all because I feel like it's been warped," she told Cosmopolitan magazine. "Originally, it was two families coming together to make a stronger family. It was about survival - not love or soul mates. "And now the way they market marriage - even as a kid through Disney movies - is that it's all about Prince Charming sweeping you off your feet. "There's this mentality that you need the big dress and the big day - the day every girl gets to be a princess. I didn't agree with any of that. "This tradition of obeying your husband like he's your king? It's a load of crap. Love and honour, yes. But you should love and honour yourself too, and all your friends." Which begs the question, why did she walk down the aisle in the first place? "I chose to get married because, essentially, you're given a deck of cards in life," is her cryptic answer. "The hand you were dealt with is your family and you can't choose them."

What the hell has happened to Jessica Biel? She used to be one of those chicks that was so intimidating because she always looked hot as f@#k, seemed like she was pretty smart and at least tried to choose movies that were half decent. Here she is at the premiere of what has to be one of the crappiest movies around, Valentine’s Day, dressed like she’s going to her junior prom. I’d like to blame Timberlake, but he seems like a pretty stylish guy who probably wouldn’t let this shit happen. The rumors about them breaking up must be true.

more pictures of Jessica Biel here

I can’t figure out Rachel Bilson, she’s super cute so why the hell does she hide behind frumpy dresses like this yellow monstrosity? Obviously she doesn’t look terrible, but it just seems like such a waste to me. In these tough economic times people need an escape from reality, something that will take them away from the mundane grind of their everyday lives, like a happy ending massage or a set of Rachel Bilson dressed as a dominatrix pictures. Think of all the people she can help.

So Jennifer Aniston is still in Mexico celebrating her 41st birthday by hanging out in her bikini with friends. I for one am not complaining, I happen to like cougars in bikinis getting out of swimming pools, so she could spend the whole year there for all I care. I cropped out most of her friends because, well, they weren’t wearing bikinis. Oh, and of course Gerard Butler flew in to tap that sweet birthday bikini ass. If she likes foreigners with shitty accents, I’m Canadian which is close enough, maybe we can take a jacuzzi some time. Call me.